Kraftwerk, Global Gathering, ecstatic beyond belief

•Monday, August 18, 2008 • 2 Comments

My friend called me at 7:24AM and I had only gone to bed at 4 or 5am. The phone ring made me so cranky and I was about to reject when I saw it was her. I reluctantly answered knowing she was excited about the Global Gathering event. I was like “I’ll check it when I wake up. I’ll excitedly sms you later. I’m toooo tired.”
Then she kept insisting and I’m thinking…there will be Armin, Markus, Above & Beyond. Wonderful. But I can wait. Then I say…it’s not like it’s gonna be Kraftwerk or anything then she kept saying to turn on the computer.
So after a few minutes I did. Extremely cranky and OMG. OMFG. OMFFG. KRAFTWERK IS COMING TO PERTH. THEY ARE LIKE MY #1 ARTIST (forget my last.fm chart lol). They invented electronic. I would kiss their feet. Never would I have thought. Okay, so they came here for Big Day Out 2003, but it’s not the same thing. I didn’t know them back then. Plus I was underaged. I hope nothing will go wrong and I will get tickets and I will be at the front. They are the headliners, and if The Chemical Brothers is anything to go by, it’ll be VERYYYYYY hard to see anything, let alone move. Maybe the young ones won’t know who they are. But who am I kidding. They’re headliners, they’d watch just because they are the headliners :( Yes, I got teary, then I sobbed and broke down. Dramatic, much? I don’t regret anything and not embarrassed about it. I hope they do put on a good show. I hope my expectations aren’t too high. I doubt they can beat Daft Punk with their live show…but…I hope my love for Kraftwerk will wash away the memories of the the DP show (just kidding :P ) What a wonderful start to the day, even though I’m so tired and hungry. I’ll just sit here for the next few hours daydreaming. Wonderful. I’d better make the event page…but I don’t even know the venue. No one else make it! :(

* Pasted from my last.fm journal.

LOVE. I really do feel sick right now.

Dream – Mum killed herself

•Wednesday, August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Ok, so I often have dreams/nightmares that are very detailed, unfortunately I have to quickly write it down as soon as I wake up otherwise it fades away. I’m sure all or most people can relate. This is one I had this morning.

I had a dream mum told us she was going to kill herself. We kept trying to persuade her out of it.
Her plan was to snort some coke/amphetamines then bounce an alcohol bottle onto the bed which will bounce back into the ceiling and glass will go into her eyes and she’ll die. She would do this around 6:30pm.
She said it was because no one loved her.
Then we wrote some card about how we’ll miss her, and i was about to write on it when i saw this note signed by someone named daphne that said ‘it’s not like dad had raped you’
then I gasped and dad was right there in front of me…and I thought, yes, now is the time to spill it
I wrote ‘yes daphne, dad did rape me…something something’
dad saw what I was doing and was trying to get the pen out of my hand. We wrestled but i ended up writing it and he looked at me in fear
then mum read it…from the look on her face, she already knew.

Then i ended up in Malaysia or something with Mel and we were walking down china town/the streets
going to look for food but there was nothing to eat. On each side of us, there were stores selling food but it looked so dirty and germ-y.
There was a stall selling chicko rolls for $10 each and mel explained that it was because they don’t really make them there thats why it costs so much and the chinese need money.
there were like 5 yr old begger kids eating packet chips and selling them and I thought it would be safe, then I saw on used by date was 2004 or 2007

I asked mum if she had done any drugs and she said only last year and I told her she was a liar cos dad had told me she used a few days ago then she admitted it. I was screaming like…what drugs did you use?? HEROIN? COKE? SPEED? ECSTASY??? She said no heroin and also admitted that she had cheated before…then dream skips to some cages where there was her sister in it (doesn’t look like real life sister),  another cage which had a cock. That was to explain she had sex with some man, dad had slept with the sister etc.
so in the end we accepted her suicide death thing…and we said our goodbyes…and we walked down some hill to a barn where she could do it.
2 cops were strolling by and we all pretended to be cheerful and chatty.

Oh and had dream I emailed Chris back why I didn’t get my mark back
then I went down to the school library (which looked like Alexander library) and Chris came down to a bunch of people saying…
‘There’s…’ then he spotted me and called out my name.
“You finally emailed me! Let’s to go my office and talk about your assignment..’
i dreaded it and was like shit, he found me and how did he know my name
then he pointed out my mistakes and i got 55%
and how for one graph, i did a mini graphs in one graph, and i shouldnt have made 2 y axis cos it looks weird

I know this is bad english and it’s poorly structured and so forth, but it was a dream so I had to quickly get it out…ok, this post was written like a month or more ago and I’m only publishing it now.

Symptom Recital

•Tuesday, July 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I do not like my state of mind;

I’m bitter, querulous, unkind.

I hate my legs, I hate my hands,

I do not yearn for lovelier lands.

I dread the dawn’s recurrent light;

I hate to go to bed at night.

I snoot at simple, earnest folk.

I cannot take the gentlest joke.

I find no peace in paint or type.

My world is but a lot of tripe.

I’m disillusioned, empty-breasted

For what I think, I’d be arrested.

I am not sick, I am not well.

My quondam dreams are shot to hell.

My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;

I do not like me any more.

I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.I ponder on the narrow house.

I shudder at the thought of men….

I’m due to fall in love again.

– Dorothy Parker

Je m’en fous!

•Monday, June 23, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Subject: Greetings from France


The experiments here are going amazingly well. I miss you.

Aaron

I had totally forgotten that he had to go there for a few weeks from the 16th June for lab research. It was the day of my exam. I remembered saying how I’ll miss him so much and that he’d better not do anything with any of the french girls..(men are ok) and now look what happens a week or so later. Things change so suddenly and so quickly…

Ugh, and I just woke up and this is the first thing I see :/

well…not technically since I went to eat half my orange -_-

This made me burst out crying again. How dare he contact me and make me miss him more. His girlfriend isn’t making him happy enough to take me off his mind??

*delete*

I’m having a breakdown

•Thursday, June 12, 2008 • 4 Comments

It’s been exactly 3 weeks since Aaron broke up with me. Yes we weren’t officially together, but a month ago, we had a fight over something stupid. He told me to fuck off and called me a jerk. I gave him the silent treatment. We never resolved the argument, then 3 weeks ago, he just said he was seeing someone else.

I was like fine, then left.

That tore me up like nothing has before. I thought I was going to literally explode. I wanted to reach inside my chest, grab the fucking stupid heart out and rip it to bits.

How I hate love.

So he’s moved on, or trying to move on, I don’t know since I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t want to know. I just know that my pride has been hurt and I was in a rage.

He doesn’t know all this of course cos I’ve cut off all contact.

I don’t know how I feel about him anymore. Do I hate him? Do I love him?

It would have never worked out in the long term so I should just accept it that he finally had the strength to just end it or just grew tired of being in limbo with me.

Here I thought people in love were just being mushy  sappy romantics…now either I’ve become one or I’ve experienced my real first heartbreak.

I’m spiralling quickly into depression. Not that I wasn’t depressed before, but I’m getting really worried now.

I haven’t been outside in 2 weeks, and maybe a couple of times since the break up (for non fun reasons). I don’t work, I’m no longer a christian so I don’t go to church and it’s exam time for uni, so I haven’t had any classes. I’ve become a recluse. Pathetic. A couple of days ago, I found my etch a sketch which was given to me by a friend…it was smashed. The plastic covering was still in there, but the insides was horrible. Many lil grey balls, it looked like a broken window. I wept, then when my twin brothers came home I confronted the good twin and demanded to know who had stepped on it. He said it wasn’t him. The evil twin (I’ll get to that in a later post) was in the shower, and we don’t talk so there was no point in confronting him.

I needed to release my hurt so I ran after him to pinch him (too weak for punches). I threw my glass of water in his face, and I’m not sure if it was accidental or I meant to hurt him, but the glass flew into the air, and landed on the washing machine…SMASH…I tried to pinch him, then he twisted his body to get away and it twisted my nails…which were quite short. Now I have bits of red under 3 of my nails. It hasn’t bled out yet.

I sat down shaking.

Mum came home an hour later and I was taking the rubbish out. She mentioned something about something on sale and I was like ‘k’ and ignored her. She asked what was wrong. I was going to calmly explain, then I broke down and cried and started blabbering. Now she only went crazy because I never cry in front of people. It’s always in my room, quietly and I’m not sure if anyone in my house hears me cry or not. She went nuts and asked who did it. Then she blamed me for leaving it around the house. Then the argument ended up about HER, and how we hate HER, and how we don’t care about HER. GOD!!!

That fucking psycho broke my etch a sketch!!! How did this become about you??

“Don’t call me your mother anymore”

“Do what you like from now on, look at how bad a mother I am (sarcastic)”

“This is what happens when you guys stop going to church, skipping all the time”

I was in my room at the time lying there listening to her rant and my rage took over the sadness and I stopped crying and became hateful. How can any mother say such hateful things about her children, yet at the same time says she loves them. This is the fucking shit that has fucked me up inside and made me determined to never have children…as well as a few other reasons…sigh.

I’m at uni now, yes I’m out…I’m supposed to be working on a 2 week overdue assignment. Another thing that has crumbled…my studies. I’ve gotten lazier as each year goes by, but lately it’s been shocking. My previous assignment was 2 weeks late as well. My first exam is this monday and of course I haven’t started studying cos of this damn assignment. Then I’m going to a concert tomorrow night…which goes until 5am (then include taxi line, ride home).

 

My life is a mess. HELP!!!!

sicky sick

•Thursday, May 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I don’t know why I’m choosing to blog right now since I’m so sick. Maybe it’s because I’ve just handed in an assignment 2 weeks late and I feel like I should take up more web space on this blog that nobody reads.

I have a runny nose with the clear boogie, I can’t stop sneezing, my eyes are so sore that they’re always teary and my nose is blocked. If someone was holding a gun to my head right now, I don’t think I’d have the energy to look scared or say anything. Maybe “go ahead, kill me now so I won’t have to suffer with this cold”. I probably would be too tired to even say that.

I’m envious, yet at the same time glad people are out at school, going to work, and keeping busy. I have a class at 5:30pm and it’s 1:32pm right now, but I don’t plan to go. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s depression. But I JUST DON’T GIVE A DAMN.

I don’t want to work, I don’t want to study…just drifting aimlessly…until I die. Sigh.

Maybe it’s just laziness, but I doubt it’s just my laziness. Yes, I’m sure it’s depression. Or maybe I have chronic fatigue or something or narcolepsy or breast cancer, or C-PTSD (look that up yourself), Stockholm Syndrome…the list goes on. Maybe I’m a hypochondriac, but I thought one of the signs was constantly going to the doctor. I don’t go. Too scared. The last time I went cos I had conjunctivitis last year, and I NEEDED it otherwise I would have failed a class.

Rambling…think I’ll go lie on the couch and put ice on my eyes.

Literati

•Monday, April 7, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Best. Game. Ever.

For those who don’t know what Literati is, it is the Yahoo version of the classic game, Scrabble. While Yahoo does have Scrabble, it is not free :(

I think I like Literati better because the computer serves out any letter it wants. For example, with Scrabble, there is only 1 Q, whereas literati could have 10 in one round (luckily that’s rare!).
Literati is like Scrabble in that you form words from the letters you are given which are placed on your tile rack. They are placed horizontally or vertically.
It can hold up to 5 players. But I only play 2 player games. Less crowded :P

Each person gets 7 letters on their rack, and a blank to always start off with.
Each letter is worth from 1 to 5 points. The letters that are found less frequently in the English language are worth obviously more i.e. Z, Q, J, X are worth 5 points each. Blanks, which can be turned into any letter you wish have a value of ZERO.

The board is a 15×15 grid. Scattered on the board are ‘bonuses’ like 3W (total score of the word X 3), 3L (the letter placed on the 3L spot gets 3x the points of the value of that letter) and so forth.
It is great to come across these as it really maximises your score.

You can enter a room that is rated/not rated, 2 or more players, rooms where you have a time limit (which is made up by the person who created the room, I advise that you avoid these rooms), and rooms where you can challenge your opponent’s words!
Each room normally has dictionary.com to tell people if the word is valid or not, so if I placed ‘lol’ as word, it would tell me it’s not a word. In a challenged room, if you put ‘lol’ down, and you convince your opponent that it IS a word, and he/she does not challenge you, you got away with it. If they do challenge you, and they are correct, you get zero points. If they challenge you, and it is a word…then something happens. Bleh I forget. Don’t play challenge games! All too sneaky :P

Bingos are fantastic to get you off to a confident start. This is when you use all 7 letters on your rack at once. This will give you a minimum of 35 points, just for the bonus. The points you make for making that word are also added on. The largest score I’ve seen in a word bonus so far is 96 points, because he also placed the bingo word on a 3W.

Your room can be placed on Public, Private or Protected.
Public means anyone can come into play (if there is an empty seat) or watch you.
Private means only people you invite in can WATCH and PLAY with you
and Protected means people can come into watch, but they cannot play with you.
Hope that isn’t too confusing lol.

The game ends when the tiles have ran out or both players have passed (unable to make a word or some other reason) twice in a row. Or if they resigned or one player took longer than the ‘3 minutes/play’ rule, and the opponent can click ‘force forfeit’ to end the game and the person who took too long will have lost. So don’t take too long to think!

A new player starts off with a ranking of 1500. After 20 or so games played, they start to be rated. A win means your rating goes up obviously, and a loss means it goes down.
If a relatively low rated person competes against a highly rated person and the low rated person wins, then their rating will increase dramatically, while the highly rated person goes dowwwwwn.
I’m pretty highly rated and I don’t compete against low rated people because even if I do win, it doesn’t go up much because the computer or whatever knows that it’s an unfair game. So it’s best to play against someone at your own level.

Hmm…what have I missed? I should learn how to do things in an orderly manner…sigh.

Ok.

Tips on how to become a great Literati player are:

1. KNOW your 2 letter words. They are extremely handy and can often give you more points than a 6 letter word if placed in the right position.

Click HERE to see the list of 2 letter words ^^

3 letter words also come in handy, but I don’t know enough/all of them to list them.

2. Try to make a bingo at all times, it’s usually easiest in the beginning for me because you have the blank to help you out. It really sucks if you can make bingos but there is no place to put it :(

3. Remember suffixes and prefixes like es, s, ing, ed, tion, re, er, de, etc.

4. Take advantage of the free 3w, 3L, 2w, and 2L. BUT try to be clever, because sometimes it’s just not worth putting your word there if there is another spot that will give you more points. You also have to consider what they have on their rack, and if they place their word on the 3w, would it give them a lot of points? So it’s either block the 3w position, preventing them from placing a word there (IF they were gonna place the word there in the first place) or put your word somewhere else.

5. Often you can get a really bad pile of letters. Sometimes you can get all or mostly vowels, sometimes it’s all consonants…and sometimes Cs!!! The letter C is, as most literati players would agree with me is one, if not THE worst letter in Literati. There are not as many C words as you may think in english, and there are no 2 letter words with a C in them. You ask, but isn’t a Q worse? Maybe, but you don’t get it as often as the dreaded C. So this is not a tip, just a warning about the C lol.

That’s about all I can think of. Hope you weren’t TOO overwhelmed :roll:

Made a mess of myself

•Sunday, April 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been in this relationship for roughly 2 years or more now (neither I or my ex can keep track of time), on and off. I’ve lost count of the times where we’ve had a break or when we ‘officially broke up’. I’m pretty much in denial, in that we see each other every day and whisper ’sweet nothings’ haha, yet I refuse to call him my boyfriend, for very good reasons which I am too ashamed (no, not because he’s ugly (he’s not) or anything shallow like that) to admit to anyone.

You would think if you break up that many times, the guy would go “this is going nowhere, it’s time to move on”. He HAS tried, but I suppose his love for me is too powerful to stay away. The only way this cycle will ever end is if we totally break it off and never see each other again, and not even be friends. We did try that…and sigh…

This is not the situation where the guy is some needy loser bf who can’t seem to go away. I LOVE him a lot, but I want to break it off for other reasons. We are both so stupid. Love makes you stupid! Never fall in love!

Looks like it’s my fault I got myself into this rut.

A couple of weeks ago, he smsed me, asking if I had sexual relations with any guy in the past year (since we’re not together because of my stubbornness) and I replied “I wonder how many girls you have been with!”

Then I asked him if he had done anything with anyone in the past year and he replied by saying he had oral sex with one girl on two occasions. It hit me with a force. I was stunned that I sat there staring at my phone, unable to reply. Thinking I didn’t get it, he sent that same sms again, and I was furious that I had to read that twice. Upset, I went to bed turning off my phone.

Ok, sure, you’re reminding me that we weren’t even together and he is a free man to do whatever he wants. What I didn’t tell you was that ever since our first ‘break up’, I had told him that I would prefer it if he told me if he dated/had sex with any girl, and in turn, he said he DIDN’T want to know about my activities. So there was a verbal agreement. Now, more than 6 months later, I ask again and then he tells.

The next day I saw him and I tried not to show my distress and disappointment on my face. He said that it was a mistake and that he was not proud of it. He even had the nerve to say “she didn’t give good blowjobs if that makes a difference.” Uhh, no!!

I replied by saying coolly, “she was good enough for you to come back to her”, and he replied “she kept hassling me so it was easier to give in”.

OMFG, YOU HAD ORAL SEX WITH HER JUST BECAUSE SHE PERSISTED?!

I went nuts. What kind of a man was this that I loved? The best qualities about him are that he is very intelligent, not easily swayed by charm, and very…honest and admirable.

Those days of not talking, I was selfishly thinking he would be depressed and be lusting after me…but no…

(before you think I’m some selfish bitch, which I am, it’s very normal to expect and think this way).

I am not calling him a cheater, I made sure to never use that word, but the two biggest issues I had with this were:

1. He lied to me when I asked him not to

2. Nearly every day he claimed to be in love with me, even when we were broken up and has never stopped loving me. Yet he went out and had oral sex with some bimbo. Taking note that he has said in the past that he doesn’t have oral sex with people he doesn’t know. He did it with this chick after meeting her twice!

This gives me the feeling of being replaceable, and question his undying love for me. Surely a man has needs, but it’s not like it’s impossible to control it when you ‘love’ someone else?

I know guys (and some women) can have unattached sex. I can’t. But now I am even more paranoid at how ‘fast’ (this was probably 1 or 2 weeks of not talking, and maybe 3 months of ‘broken up) he could move on.

I then made up my mind to break up, to end it all. Then he won me back…

You may get the impression that he’s some low life that is messing my head around, and I sometimes question that as well. But you could not meet a more wonderful man. He’s upfront, sees through your bullshit and very loyal.

Gah…